Detachment versus not caring at all,  and loving one self versus being egotistical.

In both cases there is a fine line between the beautiful and the ugly.

I have been pondering this question much, because my wife kept saying that detachment was important and that she truly believed that we both needed to take care of ourselves. It was not good if we depended upon each other. And this she said all the while she was working 60 hours a week, and if she got sick she would refuse my caring. (This too I found curious)

I have been struggling to reconcile the idea of detachment and being egotistical. Every time I read about detachment in Buddhism it immediately raised a conflict in my mind, because I was sure she was way of base. And what I was reading told me she was right.

But of course she was not right. She was being very egotistical. Because the very subtle difference is whether or not there is true compassion present in the equation.

What the Buddhist’s are talking about is being detached from the distorted perceptions the ego creates. This does not preclude compassion for the person you are trying to live with or a friend in need of help.

The sort of detachment my wife was talking about was in fact her inability to deal with emotions, stemming from childhood loss of both her parents.

Loving one self is also a very misunderstood concept.

We all know at some deeper level that it is wrong to love our selfs. “He is so hung up on him self”. And it is common knowledge that we will go straight to hell if we masturbate.

But it is ego-love that people are thinking about when they refute this. Along the lines of looking into the mirror an exclaiming “Oh how lovely I am. I love my self.”

In Buddhism that is not what loving your self refers to.

If a person you love is having a hard time you will sympathise with her. Maybe if she cries you will also feel the urge to cry. There is compassion, and you will try to listen to her pain, and help her in any way you can.

This is loving caring.

But often if you are in an ego state, and if you get the feeling that you are not performing as you should, you will give your self a really hard time. “Jesus I am such an idiot. I can never get it right.”

If you treat any of your friend or your girl friend the way you treat your self… can you image what would happen?

Loving your self is about treating your self the way your would treat your loved ones.

I understand now that there is at least two “people” present in me. My being and my ego. But I work with the idea that there are many more people present, and they all need care. There is the sad boy, and the quite one, and the one always yelling and trying to defend me etc. They all need care. I love them all. I cry with them, and I listen to them. This is love.

And acceptance is also a big part of this. I accept my self now. When I get a sad feeling, I try not to tell my self that I am a failure. I try not to make a judgement. Because if I keep telling me self that I must be happy all the time then there is depression right there for you.